Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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