I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
