i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize