can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
