A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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