I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
