barbara walters just said penis...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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