My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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