I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
