It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
