Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
