If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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