I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
