New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
