dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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