It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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