I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
