im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
