All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
