he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize