The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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