On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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