If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
