I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
