dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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