I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
