I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
