My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
