I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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