Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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