Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
