Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
