I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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