i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
