we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize