Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
