he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
