everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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