just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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