I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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