Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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