I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
