I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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