i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Houston, we have a blender
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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