Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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