My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
