Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
