I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
