five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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