I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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