somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
we made out on top of his cat.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
