the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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