he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
