I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
