You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I think I just sharted jello shots
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
