dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
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