i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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