when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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