I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
