He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
