operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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