I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Randomize