i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
