im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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