Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
