Are we in a gay sports bar?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
