his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
There's always time for handjobs
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
