i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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