WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
